Monday, December 28, 2009

TWENTYTEN (I hate this) TWOTHOUSANDANDTEN (much better)

Well if you read my scathing New years rant last year you might find that I'm a little more cheerful this hogmany. This is due to several reasons:

1. I just don't give a fuck

2. I didn't expect anything from 2009
3. I will be finished with formal education in 5 months

4. Which means FREEDOM!!!

And I've found my soundtrack to 2010....


Because I want to be somewhere hot this time next year full of happy go lucky buzz buzz love love buzz buzz feelings!!! Time to start saving...

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

1995... a fine year

I haven't forgotten to blog I'm just a little preoccupied failing my final year

On Friday at roughly 17.30 hours I will be done with college for 2009. Until then I shall be up to my elbows in the filth of contraflow journalism, post-colonial literature and Islam. Once I am done with that alcoholism shall resume as normal.

Ho ho ho ho

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I love this super group and it's Gary Numan cover

Courtesy of cynical Claire....

Please check out this website that rips the piss out of all those retarded and inbred non-descripts of the world who have an annoying opinion on everything!

Put this into your address bar and enjoy...

I will always love House music...

Growing up it was always playing in our house. I had older brother's who were part of the house buzz of the early 90's and then one of them actually ran a pirate radio station from all sorts of ridiculous locations in north London. My brother had some decks installed in the attic which I wish I had paid more attention too and then I would have grown up to be as cool as Annie Mac!

But that ain't gonna happen...

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Well last night I confessed to a 'crime'? I'll say crime because I'm not sure of the legalities of taking a bath in someones house without their knowledge. Sooooo lets rewind back the the Summer of 2007. I was in a reckless place and living with two guys and their seven lizards. I was living in a shithole. A memorable shithole but we'll get into that some other day when I have less time.

So back to the story... a few years ago I took a bath in someones house. Now this would have been completely normal if A. The person was in the house B. I had asked them or C. I knew them really reaaaaaalllly well and they were kinda like family to me.

Unfortunately none of the aforementioned factors apply to my story. Insert worried face here.

I had only really known this person for a day even though we had met previously (not that I remembered but they kindly informed me about several occasions where we had) but we did have dozens of mutual friends if that makes this story any less creepy. But I feel the next part will completely blow any chance of that right out of the water.

Not only was our companionship merely hours old but the person wasn't even in the house!!!!! and as events occurred my spontaneous bath didn't really leave the opportunity for permission.

So yes... I did take the opportunity that morning as the poor unawares person left the house in a hurried rush to the Oxygen festival to take a long leisurely soak in their bath tub. Taking the phrases make yourself at home to a whole new low.

I remember feeling quite odd that morning a I lay in this strange bathtub and was almost frightened by my own insanity. But there was something quite hilarious about having a bath in someones house and them never having any knowledge of it.

Until.... LAST NIGHT. Where after a good few double vodka's to loosen one's tongue I thought I'd tell the person about this bath. And how I had made myself oh so comfortable in there domestic surroundings without them ever knowing.

Thankfully they found this funnier more than anything but the worst part is that they then informed me that they themselves had never actually had a bath in that house because the previous occupant had been found dead in it years before. I actually feel sick and hope that they were just pulling my leg in revenge for my psychotic soaking!!!!

This is probably the weirdest thing I have ever done in my life.

If you haven't heard this song off the new MSTRKRFT ablum then you just should.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Why am I so clumsy?

I'm suffering from Dyspraxia.

And it's terminal.

One day I will fall over and that will be it! Gonzo. Last night I tripped over my own foot! What is more embarrassing is that I did it whilst trying to
discretely run in order to catch up with someone I wanted to talk to. The fall happened outside the club in front of the entire smoking area population (which is always a pretty substantial number) CRINGE! What is worse is just at the moment of impact of my body to the floor the person turns round and just catches me snotting myself completely and utterly in the most hilarious fashion. I could have died... but instead they helped me up off the floor as I asked 'Is everyone laughing at me?' and they whispered 'eh yeeeah... they are.' So I began to laugh too as seriously there was no way of pretending this didn't just happen in front of about 50 people and I hobbled to the door. I had soon realised I may be completely crippled but I shrugged off people's worries of 'heeeeeeeey your limping pretty bad... will I call you a cab?'.... No no I said, I'm totally fine.

Half an hour later...I've noticed the EXCRUCIATING pain seeping through my vodka AND wine intoxication. My foot is bleeding... so is my knee and I've actually torn right through my leggings. If I don't get in a taxi I may faint... I dart off from my new found friends and leg it as fast as my little banjaxed legs will carry me.

I wake up this morning with a broken foot! Crutches AGAIN!!!

Monday, October 5, 2009

My vote for the quirkiest composition of music and image in a film....

Almost Famous in the scene where Penny Lane overdoses and they play Stevie Wonders- My Cherie Amour...

It's such a pretty love song playing in the background as she gets her stomach pumped. And although it's stomach churning in every way, William looks on as if it's the most attractive sight he's ever laid eyes on...



I have a new band tutu for you tooo tu enjoy...

Post Options
Band of Skulls.

Heard them a while ago on a random cd and throughly enjoyed I Know What I am. Impossible is also a good enough song to mention.

There album is cootcheeeey cooooeeeeyily titled Baby Darling Doll Face Honey. And like I always tell you...

check it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Tuneski's of the past week or so...

These are songs that have cropped up this week in random order...

Passion Pit - I've got your number (Electric Picnic)
Faith No More - Epic
Pj Harvey - Good Fortune
Reverend and the Makers - No soap in a dirty war "I don't wanna die in the same whole I was born" (His mother's vagina?)
FLEET FOXES - He doesn't know why (Electric Picnic)
Hall and Oates -You Make My Dreams Come True
Four Tet - As Serious As Your Life (EP)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Ze postmodern cesspit

Whilst sitting my repeat exams I actually got to study something that made some sense to me! I'm usually left in complete bewilderment at the abstract modules we have to take but I came across an interesting essay by Zygmunt Bauman called Life in Fragments: Essays in Postmodern morality. Anyway having lived here for 4 random years and expecting to depart next year his 'rules of thumb' kinda made sense if you want to be able to adapt in the world. So here they are:

Rules of thumb for the Postmodern individual
  • Do not plan your trips to long - the shorter the trip, the greater the chance of completing it.
  • Do not get emotionally attached to the people you meet at the stopover - the less you care about them, the less it will cost you to move on
  • Do not commit yourself too strongly to people, places, causes - you do not know how long they will last or how long you will count them worthy of your commitment
  • Do not think of your current resources as capital - savings lose value fast, and the once vaunted 'cultural capital' tends to turn in no time into cultural liability

Whatever you are after, get it NOW; you cannot know whether the gratification you seek today will still be gratifying tomorrow.

Basically he says that because cultures and societies change so rapidly we opt out of 'strings attached' situations and avoid long-lasting consequences as a means of survival. So we'll end up disengaged and disenchanted loners with no attachments to to anything or anyone. Bliss.

It's a little extreme but it does make some sense!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Definitively speaking


1. an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color.

So here's the tune list of the day....

1. Glass Candy - Geto Boys
2. Junior Boys - Hazel
3.The XX - Blood Red Moon
4. The Chromatics- Hands in the Dark
5. Dirty Projectors - Cannibal Resource
6.She and Him - Why do you let me stay her
7. The Do- Playground Hustle
8.Memory Cassette- Surfing (there other stuff is good too!)
9. Wild Beasts -Hooting & Howling
10.Silversun Pickups - Lazy eye

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Talking Heads - This must be the place

This song is one of my favorites. David Byrne is a legend.

War is caused by bad fucking.

I watched a documentary on Doc Paskowitz, an American Jewish Doctor who legged it off in a bus with his ladyfriend and produced a shoal of mini surfers. He opted out of traditional society and created his own bizzAARRE life philosophy. At first it seemed like he was a cool dude, super fit and still surfing at 80 years of age! Ridiculous! He goes on this journey of self discovery and takes a trip to Israel after two failed marriages.... blah blah blah. It's all typical nostalgia and then boom....

"I met this Jewish girl named Ellen, we kinda got together and she taught me to eat pussy....and that changed my life a great deal."

Ohhhh right Doc. Yeah, your life changing experience was learning the art of cunnilingus. And he's sitting there saying this as an 80 year old man. It gets even more bizarre as he explains that fucking is in fact the word of god! And that bad fucking is the cause of war. In his words...

"Cultures that are fucked up about sex and about fucking are the cultures that will decline and in the process of their decline they will cause wars."


The Doc and his wife raised their kids out of school and brought them all over the States surfing everyday. There were 9 kids... 8 boys and one girl all living in a 24ft bus. You can only assume the hideousness of this scenario but she says that they "all have scrupulously clean assholes". That's good to know.

When it came to sex the Doc and his wife did in front of everyone. Geeeed. But Mama Paskowitz reassures us that her children (who are now all slightly off-centre adults) have the greatest sexual etiquette. "Always be grateful if someone will fuck you. Always say thank you very much, the next day you say hello and you know not just wham bam thank you... You have to be nice and respect the person that is giving you this gift."

Awwww isn't she a dote.

Funniest and weirdest documentry I have seen in a long time. It's called Surfwise and I would suggest you check it out.

So in the words of Marvin.............."Let's make love tonight"

Sunday, August 2, 2009

One Hundred Thousand Legal Junkies

Always follow packet instructions and consult your GP.


And apparently this all down to the recession... We're all drug addicts! But what about those 'boom' times when we're all coked off our heads. Now the black market medication is way too expensive! Fuck your local drug dealer... get high on your medical card!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

And the music don't feel like it did when I felt it with you

So listening to my beloved radio today I heard a band I had not yet been acquainted with... THE XX. Some beautiful tracks coming off there album so let them intoxicate your ear drums!!!

It's truly pleasurable.

And they also do an amazing cover of one of my favoritissst Womack and Womack songs Teardrops. They're on youtube so check it!

And there from Lahndahn!!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Depravity in Doyle's

There were about four 17-year-olds in Doyle's last night... and one women well over the age of consent. The place was pretty dead which always means some degenerate makes a complete disgrace of themselves. (It's usually me) Lucky this night in Doyle's I was actually too drunk to talk to random Brazilians, French or Itinerants. So the social degradation was left up to the woman who I would say was about 27 but had had a 'hard' life...and really looked more like 57! After she dry humped her way through male population on the dance floor she had to start pulling some bigger stunts to keep the attention of the cock-orientated crowd especially once they figured she was an insane crack whore! So in utter horror of everyone who may have had one last grip on reality she whips up her skirt to reveal one of the most hideous pale bottoms I have ever seen and starts gyrating it into some guys crotch... her bare arse on show in front of a room full of people and a horrible arse at that! Like wobbly, pale thong wearing horror! So she basically shows everyone her hole for about 15 minutes till she falls over to the window that looks over street below with her dress still up over her ass proceeds with a serious PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION (which I just can't describe to you without having horrible flash backs) with some bloke who I'm not sure she knows all that well. Anyone walking below that window seeing that depravity must of puked into their Burger King...

Put your hole away you hoe.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


On my walk home from work in the pissing rain I stumbled upon a GROTESQUE sight! A SNAIL CRAWLING OVER DOG SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

I mean Why?

I was going to add a picture but I think I'd vomit every time I logged onto my blog. And MDMA (Mandy) has just made me kill a Moth in her room that quite frankly has been moonlighting as a small bird impersonator. Yuk.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I bashed my head when I woke up...

This lovely pile of rubbish is a reflection of the monstrosity that is Monday.

Twenty-four wankery hours of uncontrollable horse shit. Fuck Off Monday. Yes, I am telling a week day to get the boat back to Hades. I can't name anyone who likes Mondays and if they exist well... Only people who meditate or do yoga could say they like Mondays. And these people are wankers.

You may think 24 hours of horse shit is a bit dramatic and extreme but recalling back to being woken up LATE for work this morning as I jumped out of bed in the most delirious state the first thing I did is smash my head into the sharp sides of my sloping ceiling! So I bashed my head when I woke up and now it seems the day followed trend... today was not my friend. :(

So after a magical day of part-time-student-shit employment... you'd think that you would have paid your 'shit dues' to the Shit God. But apparently no, no the shit god wants to give you some more social bile to deal with! How nice! So he concocts some pile of social horse manure for you to deal with once again. Repetitive and aggravating scenarios to really push the wrong buttons. Is 9 to 5 at a Customer service centre of hell not enough punishment for one day? I have often thought about suing my employers for putting my mental stability at risk. Performing these retarded tasks has left my brain with repetitive strain injury!

But now the repetitive strain injury on my brain isn't just affected by my incredibly numb-skulling job, it is slowly manifesting into my social life. Like fucking Groundhog Day! Oh girls... oh boys. All wankers equally. As leading statistics show being a wanker is no longer gender specific!

But alas as much as today was a VOM ON YOUR MOM castastophe... I can hear the tinkle of a very full wine glass heading my way pretty soonish. Because sobreity was never fashionable in a monotonous town like this. And of course I am back on the sweet sweet Ethanol.

I'll leave you with a few sentiments from some savage punks...

"So dont complain about your useless employment
Jack it in forever tonight
Or shut your mouth and pretend you enjoy it
Think of all the money you've got"

-The Clash

Friday, June 19, 2009

First week of fithly reality and no I don't want to write it in Hindi

FILTH. Being sober is Filth. There is nothing to be gained from sobriety. You have to watch everyone around you drink themselves into a happy beautiful stupidity and sit there and enjoy the 50 Red Bulls you are going to consume! While you kid yourself into thinking your bypassing one of those 'fucking kill me pleeeeeeeeease' hangovers. No. This is just replaced by a tiredness that makes your eyes weep all day long! It is now 11 am on Friday... and I want one of those sexy, sexy double vodka and cranberries. Alcohol is yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy and I miss it!

The first night of sobriety went down a treat!! Like some sort of novelty... I hadn't spent a weekend intentionally sober since 2003 when my admiration for all things blurry and topsy-turvy took hold. Shacked it out till 7am and the abstemious position I found myself in was flooded with entertainment from the drunken crowd! People completely lost cerebral function. It was fantastic! Of course if I had been drunk I too would have been rolling around the floor, choking people and loosing the clarity in speech. But to be honest, for ONE night it was fucking hilarious to watch and even better that I could remember it all the next day. I think someone's wanking stories were the highlight of the night but I'll save them for another blog!

The second night of sobriety: A sophisticated dinner followed by trash monkey behavior in Tamangoes, Full Moon style. The only way to contrive the crazy ecstasy of 17-year-old painted in florescent 'body-art' was to get painted myself and down disgusting amounts of Taurine based piss-poison!!! After roughly 28 minutes and 3 seconds the art of conversation had been blow into a thousand pieces of babbling shit-talk. Half of it was amusing though! Being stabbed in the eye with a broken glow stick leaking nuclear waste was tres funtastico. Cerebral problems were highlighted in UV and under an eerie glow of teeth and eyes most people looked like they'd had a stroke: Especially when they spoke. This was broken up by bouts unadulterated energy that would last aprox 50 seconds before slurring and swaying resumed. Fantastic. Please shoot me if you ever see me go near the place again.

Sleep Deprivation, caused by replacing Ethanol a sleepy intoxication with Red Bull hyper-heart attack intoxication. Cue 45 mins sleep on Wednesday night after trying to survive Tamangoes in sobriety. It's difficult to survive Tamangoes drunk who was I kidding.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Song for the day... It goes with the blog

Thirtydirty days of 'Sobriety'

I couldn't help but wonder.......... why all my articles started off the same? Would I ever find another opening line? Or was I destined for an over analytical but yet completely brain-dead future? Fuck off Carrie Bradshaw.

So anyway, I couldn't help but wonder (cheeky) why God/Allah/Puppet Master/Vigo Ruler of Carpathia had decided to put a blockers on my drinking habits! I have cruely been struck down with a terrible case of 'You should not drink' from my Doctor. Of course I explained that being a student this was an entirely proprosterous idea and that Vodka, Jaegermeister and cheap wine were all part of my staple diet... the very substance of my being! However, unfortunately the dude has a PHD or something like that which means I'm being forced to follow his advice for the next 30 days. That's four weeks of listening to drunk people whilst being stone cold sober. Fabulous, I just can't wait to try and understand all the slurring and slobbering winos who I can usually converse with quite comprehensibly with a few Hogbombs under my belt!

Oh Ethanol sweet Ethanol...

Alas, I am taking these next few weeks as a small social experiment in which I shall be reporting on weekly if not daily. So my dear, dear, dear commerades do watch out for any little anicdotes about your alcoholic frolics here! I'll help refresh all your debauched antics! :)